my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
