my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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