I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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