his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
