she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
