No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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