Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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