I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
