your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
