I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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