why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
