Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
