He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
