Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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