I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
