hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
