my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
