you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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