I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.