new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't deserve a penis
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program