I've blown a few things in my day
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
