I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day