just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
fuck your aforementioned shoe
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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