census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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