someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
