I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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