You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
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She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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