Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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