it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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