I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
