There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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