I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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