I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
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i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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