just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize