Soap is not a condiment
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
