im six kinds of drunk right now
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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