When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
