I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
you made out with another girl for some wings
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
