Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I lost the right to judge tonight
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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