Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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