I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
