He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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