Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
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My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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