I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
