why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
