y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
