Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
