yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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