remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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