Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
