I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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