Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
