All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
