mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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