is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
