I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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