I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
