Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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